hi everyone,

My week was pretty awesome in summary. So much to praise God for - for one, the fact that I feel like I haven't slept that much, but God is sustaining me as much as I need it.

It was still a hard week, though. I think for half of it, I just felt really oppressed and really emotionally downcast. I started out the week with a lot of fear. I'm scared of uncertainty, I'm scared of what it would mean if I chose the wrong path in my life and somehow ended up shaking God out of there somehow. Like if God doesn't want me to go to grad school and I do, and He somehow intended me to be a missionary or something and if I do the wrong thing I'll have condemned myself to eternal separation from God or something... (no joke, this runs through my head sometimes)

And for someone who lives and breathes problem-solving, I just feel like open-ended questions like "what are you doing after you graduate" or "what are you called to" are just the most frustrating because they're the most uncertain. I have no control over making the "right" decision because I don't know which one it is... :P

I was really blessed at Vision School on Monday night - I love hearing stories about missions and missionaries and about God's heart for the nations, and yeah, it was "wow." I've been pondering the idea of the Kingdom a lot lately, and yeah, it was just more reinforcement of that and stories of what God is doing. Jesus is returning to His Kingdom, and whether people choose to surrender to His Lordship now or not is their choice. But they gotta hear to have the choice. Who will go? (to be honest, I kinda want to... lol)

Tuesday was rough... after having lunch with Bo, I started questioning again what the "right decision" for my future is (I sure as heck don't have conviction for a lot of things), and yeah. The more I thought, the more it hurt. I should stop doing that to myself. The rest of the day, I had a talk with a Korean Mormon girl who was trying to invite me to church (I didn't know they existed), then with my Catholic friend.. Just about the gospel and God's kingdom and what it all means. I ended up in an argument with the Mormon (figures...) but not with my friend. To be honest, I don't really understand all of it, so yeah my explanations are shoddy, but the gospel isn't preached by human wisdom, but by the Spirit's power (1 Corinthians 2:4), so that's okay. And LIFE group was another time that God just reminded me that He's with me - going along with last week's Bible study where I learned that God will pursue me all my days - the theme is just "If we are faithless, He will remain faithful, for He cannot disown Himself." (2 Timothy 2:13). And I was blessed.

Wednesday and Thursday were a couple hard days too. Just being broken in my thinking and when I thought I knew what was right I realize I don't really know what's right. I was physically owned at Taekwondo and humbled there, too... I met someone in one of my project groups who's EXACTLY like me in terms of struggling with pride and not willing to trust others to take care of things and always doing things alone, and I just saw a lot of that. Just all around, I saw how messed up and weak I am on my own. Praise God. Best week ever. I want more, hahahahahaha. :)

And so Friday I came into ACCESS really emotionally down because it was just really hard and I couldn't do it. Not depressed, but just oppressed. It just felt so hard. And for a moment when we were worshipping and Pastor Seth was just telling us to pray for evil spirits to leave in Jesus' name, I prayed, and like... I felt the bad emotions leaving. Freedom. God is good, and His presence was there. And I just realized that all those times when it's hard and I'm having trouble, it's not reason for me to stop and mope, but to take heart and to rejoice no matter how I feel, because I live not on my righteousness but because Jesus is. And those hard times are awesome, because they draw me nearer to and more desperate for God. I need more of that. Perhaps the worst thing to do in those circumstances is to find some human/self-centered answer or way out of it... instead of being patient and waiting on God (Isaiah 40:31). That's faith, that's love, that's a relationship.

I think even if it sucks, I want to wake up every morning and have to depend on God. There's no better place to be, because all the calamities and destruction and heartache in the world is to get our attention. I've been reading Ezekiel, and it's been kinda boring because for the past 10 chapters it just keeps on talking about how this nation and that nation are going to be destroyed. But after every prophecy of destruction, it always ends with "then they will know that I am the Lord." God loves us that much. And sometimes we take destruction as an excuse to run farther away, but that's the WORST THING WE COULD DO because God's trying to get our attention. His Kingdom is coming, and the WORST THING WE COULD DO is deny it and try to find our own solution to the problem instead of inviting God back.

A few songs I've been listening to (if you have time):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6tywK1beGjA
Just a theme in my life - God is faithful

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=okTKMaVrSYY
We just need more of God

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-EzVteRq1k
"Trampling over death by death" is my favorite line. Jesus is alive :)
posted by || 0 comments