At the beginning of this week I spent a day with Cho and honestly couldn't hide anythinnng from her! It felt natural too XD She said it's because she wants to know people like inside out. It made me realize how much more God knows and searches my heart, how much better He know me better than myself! But I guess in that sense it's carried on to the rest of the days and now I feel much more open X] Ahaha...gotta let this sink in before God hits me with Spirit of self-discipline XD XD ahaha I realize sometimes my blogs seem vague and conceptual but hopefully this one is much more blunt and vivid.

So today...back story, I usually tutor a fifth grader in writing on Monday nights. But now they' ve been pushed to impromptu dates and today was one for this week. For me it's been interesting because it's the first time in...a really long time that I've had any persecution at all for the gospel. The kid was really open and asked good questions and when he said he should look on the internet to know more and then heard about the Word, he said, "Oh...I should really get a bible!" I remember distinctly not wanting to take the money at the end because all we did was look over his old homework and assign him new ones. His mom made sure I took it though, and I didn't take the time to explain why I didn't think I deserved it. But later she emailed and told me that the kid had a big writing test tomorrow (the kid and the mother forgot to mention this beforehand T-T) and that it wasn't appropriate for me to talk about the gospel then. I can't stop thinking about how I shouldn'tve taken the twenty dollars and should've been honest right after the lesson. But I feel like God's timing for this was pretty opportune XD not only was I not expecting it, but He loves me so much that He would discipline me like a legitimate daughter of God. It's really been super long but I'm glad it's actually encouraging me to seek His heart and Word more. And the gospel had to be shared XD

Not gonna lie, I did feel some anxiety in my heart. More than just this it's been another block on the pyramid of...stuff that's been up XD The way is narrow and hard…but the yolk is supposed to be easy and the burden light right? It's definitely been narrow, but I have to keep reminding myself what it is that God has given me and to be faithful with that which He has given me… I've been a bit behind in some schoolwork and work work, and it looks like these next couple weeks are gonna take every drop of me, while attempting to keep eyes on Jesus and identity as one who shares the gospel which seems overwhelming if I step back and look at it all but really isn't if each day is taken one at a time… but some crazy things are indeed coming up and with the summer coming and rolling along and tentatively going on the field next school year and preparing my heart to confront my dad about it as soon as God gives some more concrete direction… ah! So much! So much to pray about TT-TT even when praying is mainly "to be", and "to wait", "to trust", "to lean" on Him who is greater.

But in the end, I'm so glad that God restored purpose and vision in my life. An even greater reason to get up and wait on Him in the morning! My Lent commitment has been failing this week though… I've been getting Jesus time, but at the expense of skipping first lecture/class of the day XD

My discipler (:0) told me today that it's easier to wholeheartedly work in academics when we see God's calling and specific purpose for being a student. I'm so thankful she shared that! I remember battling first semester with "ugh...why am I in school? It's expensive, can't see why God has given me this role…" and He really revealed Daniel and just His role as a lover of God but in Babylon. Right now, this passage isn't really hitting home for me XD ahaha, so if you guys could pray that God could affirm what I'm doing here and in school for, that'd be great thanks!

Please pray that I would stay awake and alert! Can't afford to be sleeping and wasting time….

But thank You Lord so much.

There's a song I listened to today, and the chorus/tag is:

Everything You do just screams "I love you"/ Everything You are says "I care"/...

What am i that You would love me like You do?/ Who am i that You should care?/

Just understanding day by day the amazing power and love of the gospel. The entire chapter of Philippians 3 has been like.. AH!

What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ ⁹ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. ¹⁰ I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, ¹¹and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.

¹² Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ¹³ Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴ I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Another thing is understanding what it really means to give Him all the glory. Sometimes I throw it around because it's just feels good to end a prayer that way or something, but really digging at what it means that from Him and through Him and for Him are all things. All of that glory is His, ahaha. Amen.

Normally I'd end with a "sorry for the long post guys" but I guess it's better without a disclaimer XD no regrets