where to even begin... The trip to Chicago/WI seems so long ago, because so much has happened since then. It's been a really dense week of a lot of activities and self-realization.
After we got back on Sunday night, I spend most of Monday running errands and getting ready for the Detroit trip with my class. We left on Monday night and began our work in Detroit on Tuesday. I'm not so much gonna go into what exactly we did, but one thing I realized quickly was that I was really not in the right state at that time. Without going into too much detail, I was humbled so much. I realized what my human nature is like when I'm sleep deprived and stressed about things. I really didn't like what I saw, especially since 98% of it was internal.
Overall though, I think the trip was definitely worth it. If anything, it made me understand a small part of Detroit more and I have 1) more insight on what to pray for and 2) greater hope and love for this city, because for some reason, when walking its streets, you can't help but feel like you're in a really important place somehow. A lot of people who went think this will be a way to bring about more class unity, and I really do hope so. . .
Anywhoo! In regards to today's Bible passage, it's sorta uncanny how much this strikes me personally. As you all know, I've been attempting to make sense of a lot of things regarding my immediate and (now) long-term future. Trusting God is thus extremely difficult right now, to be perfectly frank. I've not been so confused in so long, and I'm second guessing like crazy.
It's kinda hard to be concise about all that's going on :/ But all in all, I think God's really revealing to me how much I need to relinquish control. It's not been all bad, I've really enjoyed thinking about writing. I've been reading a ton and looking into other writers and things I could do for the future. But I've never felt so inadequate or clueless before. I can't help but feel the vacancy of the lost time and opportunities. I feel like I'm being hurled into something that I have no concept of and I don't know how it'll end.
So taking a look at some excerpts of today's Proverb (in the Message):
Mortals make elaborate plans, but God has the last word.
Humans are satisfied with whatever looks good;
God probes for what is good.
God can't stomach arrogance or pretense;
believe me, he'll put those upstarts in their place.
Guilt is banished through love and truth;
Fear-of-God deflects evil.
We plan the way we want to live,
but only God makes us able to live it.
it's really strange, because I've never really been really seriously worried about my future until all this came up. I don't know how I can emphasize this any more, but I reallyreally have no idea what I'm doing. Normally that's an invitation for a freakout moment, (and I am somewhat freaking out) but I think there's a strange sense of gratefulness. I'm so excited by the prospects of all of this, because for one thing, God wants to teach me the true peace and joy that comes from complete trust in Him. Another, because I really feel that there are a lot of hidden passions and gifts that I have yet to discover. Because God knows what is good, like the writer of Proverbs asserts, whereas I can, at best, only guess.
Thank God. That He has the last word. Because somehow, in the midst of all of this, He has the best in mind for someone as small and insignificant as me. I just need so much more humility. I need to pray more. Haha, it makes me realize... "God.... the lengths You'll go to to just get my attention when it's not even worth anything at all..."
Other lessons I've been starting to learn (and relearn) are vulnerability and love. I'm going to make it a habit of vulnerability. Please ask to meet with me 1-1 if you've been craving honesty. let's have a real conversation from human to human.
btw. I told my father about these developments, and he has been remarkably calm. so I guess it's all unofficial. I'm so so so blessed to have the parents that I do.
so when some of you guys go off and become rich and famous, please remember your cute lifegroup leader and show me kindness in monetary form because I'll probably still be eating American-brand cup noodles while trying to write cheap existential novels that nobody understands. (and wow. This is long. I'm already writing novels...)
But!!! I'll have Jesus!!!
posted by || 2 comments
