hey everyone,

This week was hard. I don't know what it was, but there was just a lot of turmoil going down in my mind and in my thoughts. I couldn't find joy in serving, and I think I just found myself falling into a spiral of self-absorption and pride and confusion.

Praise God that that doesn't mean I fall off the face of the planet and run away, but it's definitely been a real struggle.

It's been hard to see God's purposes above my own, and there is this distinct war in me - the one side that wants what I want and wants me to be the center of the universe, and then the side that hates myself for being that way and wants to have God's heart. It just all seems like a confusing mess - I want to be in touch with what God wants, but there's definitely just a huge roadblock in my heart that doesn't want that. And it just makes me more self-centered to think about it.

I think my heart just feels distant from God. And I just want the faith to believe that God's purposes are higher than my own, that He is still worth more than anything, no matter how I feel.

Today, I was just encouraged by the lyric, "You've promised You will lead us to Your throne," and I just feel like there is going to be that throng of people worshipping God, and I want to be there. I just can't on my own - my wandering heart is too far, and I need Jesus to work in me.

Worst part: nothing makes "sense."
Best part: literally, the only time I find peace in my heart is when I'm in God's presence.

If you can find time to pray for me, I'd appreciate it :)

happy lenting,

Chris
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