It's been a dull day. I feel like a wet match. As if I wanted something to spark, but there's something about the environment that hinders it...
I hate these sort of days, haha. But there's this sort of restlessness involved. Maybe this is sort of abstract, but I really do feel like I have this deeply rooted sense of longing for more of something. But the prayers I've been lifting up felt so unnatural... or at the very least, they felt so powerless. At first it made me feel guilty, because this week was the week when I'm supposed to be at the top of my game with prayer.
BUT!!!!! Despite the 'meh-ness' of the day, I've come to realize that it doesn't mean I should focus on myself and wonder what's wrong. It's sort of strange, because though you would think these sorts of days wouldn't be conducive for worship, I was focusing on precisely that. It was sort of a mini-breakthrough. I just plugged in my iPod and started to listen to all these songs that I had listened to in High School and were really formative in my view on God. It was really good to just have a tranquil affirmation of truth. It was a good day, because it made me realize I literally have nothing to offer. Just kinda soaking in the simple wonders :) Thanks be to God.
So from the BRP:
I realized today why P. Pete wanted us to read these three books. It just feels right, y'know? When you're reading about God's promises to Abraham, and then after the way Jesus fulfills and continues that relationship through Abraham's descendants, and then furthermore after even that how everybody is grafted into that everlasting greater Will. I've been trying to walk through each encounter with God with the figures, as if I were there and experiencing everything, because I realized that I treat the stories like things that happened in the far past.
And I've been experiencing again and again the power of the truth of scripture. It's really mysterious how sometimes God just inserts random verses and phrases into your life. The phrase 'double minded' came up to me a lot yesterday, so I looked up James 1:2-8:
If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.
It's funny because it's sort of related to Jon's post about prayer. And P. Seth made a reference to Hebrews 11:6 today at prayer gathering.
Hum. I think I'm lacking in faith you guys. Believing in God and believing God are unfortunately two vastly different things, I've come to realize.
Uwah... this post is really long... hahaha... okay, so prayer requests:
1. Perseverence in prayer!!!
2. That I can continue in worship throughout the rest of this fast without centralizing things around me like I tend to do.
3. Loving others, and the church.
And lastly, here's a song that I was listening today! (It was on loop a lot back when I had a discman, hahahaha) I really feel like this describes my relationship with God, both then and now :P
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