Fasting has been supremely hard for me. It's been hard for me to seek God in my times, and maybe I should just rejoice because one of my prayer requests for this fast was for humility. And I could list the 40 different ways I failed this past week, and my ugliness surfaced, but yeah, there's too many.
Quite simply, I don't think I've really sought God anymore than I usually would.. Actually, less, in fact. I've been finding that when things actually get busy and the work I have to do isn't just simply solved (and it hasn't been, this week), I push back spending time with God until it's time to sleep.. and then I don't. It sucks, because I'm so afraid that if I don't fast "the right way," God won't bless me. But honestly, Romans 9:16:
It does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy.God's reminding me that I'm making my decisions on my own. I sat down sometime on Tuesday and made a decision to go see my advisor about grad school, and I will, but then I just realized that when people ask me what I'm doing in my future I tell them "I don't know, wherever God leads, I guess", but when it boils down to it I already have an idea for what I want and I'm subconsciously going there. Furthermore, what I want strangely aligns perfectly with what my parents want. Yesterday's sermon pierced me because I am indeed very afraid that my parents will disapprove and stop loving me if I choose something they don't approve of. All I can do is pray about it and depend on God - which I have been doing none of so far.
prayer requests:
- not to be a workaholic/taskaholic
- being satisfied in God alone
- being used by God this week for His glory
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